gq:

Welcome to Congress, Republicans! Here’s Your Freshman Orientation Map

The first thing you’ll notice about our nation’s capital is that it has lots of black people. Don’t be alarmed—they live here! Feel free to engage them, but always remember: Most of them are Democrats.

1. K Street: “Grass-Roots Funding Avenue.”
2. Museum of Natural History: “Museum of Evolutionary Theory.”
3. White House: “Kenyan Presidential Palace.”
4. National Mall: There are no food courts here. Or Cinnabons. Yet.
5. State Department: “Comintern.”
6. Union Station: “Socialized Transit Station.”
7. C Street House: The C stands for Christ. And mistresses.
8. The Palm: “The People’s Steak House.” (Recommended: The People’s Prime Bone-In Filet Mignon for $56.)
9. Apex Nightclub: Recommended for late-night fact-finding missions by straight male members who are very, very opposed to the spread of the gay agenda.
10. Massachusetts Avenue: “Street of Countries Waiting to Be Bombed.”
11. Verizon Center: Where white people and black people come together.

[Text by Stephen Sherrill]